Real Parents, Real Children, Real Families

I first read this post in the blog of a friend. I cried the first time I read it, and still do. She gave me permission to include it in my own blog. I think it is important for any one who comes in contact with adoptive parents and their families to understand that certain comments, though well-intentioned, can be very painful for our families. The portion from my friends' blog is in italics.

My Own Child

I Did not plant you, True.
But when the season is done,
When the alternate Prayers for sun
And for rain are counted,
When the pain of Weeding
And the Pride of Watching are through,
I will hold you high.
A shining sheaf
Above the thousand
Seeds grown wild
Not my planting,
But by Heaven my harvest
My Own Child.
-Author Unknown

We’ve become sensitive, it seems. Certain phrases uttered by the news media in light of recent celebrity adoptions, or even phrases mentioned by our family and friends can make us cringe so easily.It wasn’t always that way. Before we pursued adoption we didn’t realize that many of the things we’ve said in the past may not only be offensive to adoptive parents, but may hurt their kids as well. We bring you this post not to make you feel badly if you are one of the friends or family who’ve said these things to us or other adoptive families, but so that maybe you’ll understand the weight of what you might say to future adoptive families you encounter.

Don’t assume that couples who have faced infertility want to become pregnant after adopting. Telling countless stories of a friend of a friend who got pregnant right after adopting belittles the choice to adopt. And, while everyone seems to have one of those stories, the statistics say it happens in less than 5% of previously infertile couples. Furthermore, don’t assume that everyone who adopts isn’t able to become pregnant. Unless you like to peep in other folks’ medicine cabinets, how do you know that we aren’t counting on our birth control pills to keep us from having biological children?

Please don’t ask us for details about our children’s birth families. We are the guardians of their stories. Our children are told their adoption stories a little at a time, and when they are old enough they will have all the details to share as they choose. It’s not that we are hiding some juicy secret, it is their story to tell, not ours.

Please don’t tell us that it doesn’t matter what race our children are, that love is color blind, and that our small towns are “getting better” in regards to diversity. Last I checked, my hometown school district had something like 1% or less Asian student population. I’ll consider it getting better when it’s closer to 10, 25, or 50 percent, or hey, how about our kids in the majority for once? Race does and will matter for our kids. It will matter to them that they don’t look like anyone else in their family. It will matter to them when their family and friends who love them minimize their experience of racism. Racism continues to exist and it’s a cold hard fact that our kids have and will face it. I have to comment on this because I have heard comments people make to us about myself and my children. Their comments are not always overtly racist but they make us, and especially my children, feel uncomfortable.

Don’t tell our kids how lucky they are that we adopted them. We’re not martyrs or saints. Our children shouldn’t have to grow up feeling indebted to us for adopting them. Their fate, had we not adopted them, was not necessarily a life of destitution. All children should have the right, not luck, to a have a loving family. We are the lucky ones for having the opportunity to parent them.

Don’t introduce our children as “Mira and James, who were adopted from South Korea” or “their adopted children.” Yes, we did adopt. Obviously. But adoption is not the only part of our children’s identities. How we came to be family is only part of who we are. I’m amazed that perfect strangers think it’s OK to ask what happend to our kids' "real" parents or if we are able to have children “of our own.” Imagine how a preschool aged child feels when they repeatedly overhear Mom and Dad being asked about their “real” parents, or overhearing comments that assume they are not children of our own. We are a real family. These children are our own. When James wakes eight times in the night and looks to us for comfort, he is our own. When Mira throws a tantrum in the grocery store and we are left to deal with it, she is our own. When we walk through the door and they have smiles for us, they are our own. When they laugh together like all siblings do, they are our own.

I think as an adoptive parent, we find it important that people understand that we are a real family and that these children are our real children. As I've talked with other adoptive moms, it is also important that we comment on the importance of our childrens first moms, birthmoms, moms in Korea. We are not their only family. Our children have mothers, fathers, maybe siblings in another country. When I think of my boys moms, I am so overwhelmed. These women are amazing people. They are just as important in my childrens' life as I am. These women created these children, they carried them, delivered them, and then made what was likely the most difficult decision of their lives... to let someone else raise them. Maybe these women knew during pregnancy that they wouldn't be able to parent them...maybe they tried to be a parent and discovered how difficult it was. Either way, like in the US, they had opportunities to terminate their pregnancy and did not. They chose to give life to these babies. Imagine how difficult it would be to look at the face of your newly born baby and know that you would not be parenting them. That you would not see their first steps, hear their first words, rock them to sleep, or comfort them when they were sick. Only a mother could love their child so much that they could make the choice to let someone else parent and have those experiences. Maybe these women have other children, and maybe they don't. Regardless, they became mothers when their child was born, and they remain mothers to this day...a real mother. They have earned the right to be called 'mother,' and I will gladly share that title and role with them in my sons' lives. These women (and the foster families which is a whole other blog) are as much a part of our family as any other family member. They gave us our children. What an incredible gift! They made a choice that is unimaginable to me... and they did it out of love. Out of love for their child...because they are a mom, and they always will be.

When I think of the boys' moms, I'm always reminded of the story in 1 Kings 3:16-27. It is about two mothers who each had a child. One baby died, and in the night its' mother took the baby from the other mother. They went to King Solomon both claiming to be the mother of the living child. He asked for a sword and said to solve the problem he would cut the child in two and each woman could have a half. The real mother cried out to give the baby to the other woman so it wouldn't die. King Solomon said, 'Give the baby to the woman who wants him to live, for she is the mother!' Granted, my children likely wouldn't have died if they had stayed with their first moms. But these moms were willing to let someone else raise their children so they could have the life they thought they should have.

“A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world…it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.” Agatha Christie

Just a few pictures

Just posting a few pictures that we've taken over the past few days. Henry loves to play baseball. He and Travis were out pitching, hitting, and catching on one of our first nice days. I got a variety of interesting action shots. I didn't post them, but love the facial expressions you get.
A picture of Andrew. Haven't taken too many of any of the boys over the past few days with everyone being sick. You'll notice the bib. It seems he always has one on because he's so drooly. No teeth yet though.
This was taken at the World Festival today. The boys wore their hanboks for the parade. They wouldn't walk alone with the other people in the Korea group, so we tried to walk unobtrusively along the side : ) After the parade, the boys got balloon animals. Only they chose the sword, of course. What would a boy pick. This is Charles, nearing the end of his patience, with his sword.
Henry and Dad. Henry was having a little trouble seeing the flag ceremony so he needed a shoulder ride.
Two boys..two swords... of course you'll get a sword fight. Thank goodness there just balloons.

Not much new here. The big boys are on the mend with much less coughing. The little boy is still sick with a fever, coughing, vomiting, not eating.... So far he doesn't appear to be dehydrated. He earned an albuterol treatment this evening when he scared us almost to death with what Travis said must have been a mucous plug. You medical folks will know what he means. It's hard to explain but he was having a little trouble breathing. Thank goodness it passed within a couple minutes, and he sounded much better. The albuterol treatment was fun for him since he spent the whole time trying to eat the mask. Henry and Charles are doing pretty well. Charles is catching up on all the sleep he missed while he was sick, and is in a much better mood already. We hope that by Monday he'll be almost back to normal.

A really busy day

I was so proud of Henry and Charles for the wonderful present they gave Andrew the other day. They gave him his very first virus-induced fever since he's been home. We're so proud!! Yes, Andrew did get sick...exactly what the big boys have. Only his included vomiting up his formula....occasionally on the floor. I had cleaned it up but the spot was still wet. Travis walked over it and asked, 'Who peed on the floor?' I'm not sure who he thought would do that since our older boys are very well potty-trained, and Andrew wears a diaper. And it certainly wasn't me. He also has a fever, cough, etc. but seems to be in pretty good spirits. He stills smiles a lot. I took him in to the doctor this morning to make sure he didn't have any other issues--I was a little worried about dehydration-- and, lo and behold, it was a miracle!! We got to the office and he smiled and kicked his legs at everyone he saw. Our doctor came in and it was the same thing, only he knew he wasn't feeling THAT well since he wasn't quite as manic as the last time he was in. Anyway, he's a baby with a cold, cough, and fever.

I took Charles in this afternoon--12:45 p.m. which is not a time I would ever willingly choose to bring my 3 year old, sleep-deprived, prednisone-laden son in to the doctor. He had a few behavioral issues while he was there. I took him down for a chest xray, and then returned to the doctors office with results. Good news!! He doesn't have pneumonia...just bronchitis and hyperinflated lungs. The latter is due to his asthma. Apparently, it is because the air goes into the lungs but has trouble coming back out causing his lungs to become hyperinflated. Very interesting to look at on the x-ray. He has been such a trooper taking his prednisone that I told him I would take him somewhere for breakfast tomorrow after his last dose. He is still having quite a bit of coughing, especially with activity, but is much better than even yesterday. He is still exhausted and asked to go to bed at 6:15 p.m. I was glad to oblige. He fell asleep in about 3 minutes which is very unlike him. He's a singing, tossing, turning, kick the covers and the wall before going to bed kind of boy.

Not much other news, except we are exhausted tonight. A few sleep-deprived nights with Charles took its toll. And now to start over with Andrew... well, let's just say they're working really hard to give us baggy, bloodshot eyes. Oh wait... we already have them. When we got home from the Clinic, the boys were tired and hungry and so was I . I ordered pizza for supper and it came before Travis got home from work. We talked about how we should wait and eat with dad....while we were eating!! Sorry Dad!! We were just too hungry. And then a good friend took pity on us and brought us a strawberry pie. Oh we are so lucky!! Thank you for the pie!!

He's finally sleeping!!

Remember how I commented on the boy's having colds in the last update? And, said they would likely do fine? Well, I was a little wrong. Henry has done fair. He's needing extra albuterol for coughing and wheezing, but is otherwise fine. Charles, on the other hand, is having a much harder time. I can't even begin to estimate how many times he's coughed since Saturday morning. It's incredible. He is going to have rock-hard abs by the time he gets well. We started him on prednisone last night as we're supposed to if he's not responding well to albuterol. Poor boy. Not only does it taste awful, and he has been taking it like a trooper, but it makes him so hyper. The only way I can describe Charles today is this: Imagine a 3 year old boy who has been sleep-deprived for 2 days-- a little cranky, whiney...I could go on and on-- and then imagine that every morning and night you let them drink a 24 ounce bottle of regular Mountain Dew. The one thing about prednisone and Charles is that it seems to put him in a fairly good mood. This offsets the crankiness from being sleep deprived from coughing all night long. However, it hasn't kicked in enough yet to lessen his coughing. But, I seem to have pumped him so full of albuterol that he was finally able to fall asleep at 9:15 pm. We'll see how long it lasts since I've heard 2 coughing jags since then.

Other than Charles, we're all doing fine. Andrew, so far, hasn't gotten sick. We are loving the warm weather, and I finally finished washing the winter coats, snowpants, etc. and putting them away.

Sorry I haven't had time to download any pictures. I'll try to do it in the next couple days.
Take Care!!!

A boy and a tree

I took these pictures this afternoon. I was in the house feeding Andrew and watching Henry out the window. He had an overturned pail next to this tree and he was trying to hoist himself up into it. The pail wasn't quite tall enough. But, he tried a few times before standing on the ground and looking at the tree and then looking at the pail. Look at the tree. Look at the pail. He thought about it for a couple minutes and then went over to where we had stacked the outdoor flower pots. He chose one, drug it over to the tree, and overturned it. It was just what he needed. He was able to hoist himself up. I went out to congratulate him, and he was so proud. 'Mom!! I climbed my first tree!' This was taken just as he made it into the tree.
This was when he was secure and able to stand up. Look at that face! He was so thrilled! And, so handsome.
Okay. Now how do I get down? He was going to jump but decided it was too far. Good boy!! He ended up asking for help. You can see his overturned pail and flowerpot next to the tree.

Not much news from here. Henry and Charles both have colds again. So we're administering albuterol round the clock. They seem to be having more wheezing and coughing than last time, but will likely be just fine. It was nice today so we managed to make it out. And, as you can see, the snow is nearly gone. Andrew had his 6 month well child check-up yesterday with 3 immunizations. He put on a great show for all the nurses and our doctor. He was full of smiles, babbles, and jumping. He's doing great and developing fine. He weighs 16 pounds and is 26 inches tall. We met dad for lunch after his appointment.

Baby James seems to be tolerating his new treatment fairly well for now. They say he tires easily, but has been playful. I'm not sure when they'll start radiation. They remain in the hospital for now...at least until the 5 day treatment session is over. They found out today that one of his medications is going to cost them $1200. Yes, that's right... one thousand two hundred dollars. Yikes!! It better be an incredibly effective medication. They have been hanging in there pretty well it seems. But, I think they must be very overwhelmed by this new turn of events, and the added costs. Honestly, who wouldn't be?

Baby James

Baby James went to the hospital today to start his new treatment regimine. Every 3 weeks he will undergo chemotherapy with 3 very toxic chemo drugs. He will remain in the hospital for 5 days for each cycle. He is also going to begin radiation. His blog told us that, yes, this was all horrible for his remaining kidney, but that they would worry about that later. It was more important to stop the cancer. The chemo drugs have many dangerous side effects as does the radiation. Please read his blog for all the details. A link to it is in my links section. Please remember to keep them in your prayers!!!!

Fun in the Sun!!

We had to include some fun photos we took this afternoon. It was very nice this afternoon, and we spent some time on the trampoline. I resisted titling this blog.."They finally caged us.' Or some such thing. Our Easter photos were very limited since the boys were not about to stay in dress clothes for pictures...and they were having a tough day with multiple meltdowns. Anyway, todays pictures made up for it. I love the perspective these gave us...and I really didn't try to do this!! Aren't these hilarious?
Henry standing on the neighbors house. We're not sure what he ate, but he didn't stop growing. We're lucky he didn't fall through the roof.
He decided to try to jump back into the trampoline. It was a long jump, but it looks like he'll make it just fine.
Oh, good!! Dad is going to catch him.
Charles just likes it when we jump around and he falls down.
Even Andrew liked it on the trampoline. We would just stand there and let the boys jump, and he would laugh.

As you can guess, Henry wasn't REALLY on top of the neighbor's house. But, just so you know. Travis would throw him up and then catch him on the way down. We didn't actually throw him up and then let him land on the trampoline. It was a great afternoon. And, it sounds like we're in for some colder, windy weather tomorrow with a chance of snow. Yikes!!

Our hardwood floor is done, the trim is back up, and now I have to finish touching up the paint. I'm not sure of the next project, but we're not going to start on it for awhile. We need to have a break so I can get caught up on the laundry, housecleaning, etc. that was neglected while we put in the floor.

**Baby James WAS able to have his liver biopsy today. No results as of yet, but hopefully they will know more tomorrow. Please keep praying for him!!**

If you click on the pictures they get really big and you can see close-ups of the boys faces.

Home Improvement

We started another home improvement project this week...installing hardwood floors in our dining and living room. I've come to realize (and I think my sister-in-law can vouch for this) that when you're married to one of the Paul boys home improvement projects are a way of life. I don't really mind since the results are always so nice. And, I've learned to lay linoleum, tile, laminate floors, and hardwood floors. I'm not planning to make a living this way, and I'm certainly not very good. Power saws scare me even though I can use them. It certainly is a good thing to grow up a farm girl. Our pictures are from the project. We brought in our boxes of hardwood and the boys thought they made a great stage. Here are the older Paul boys in concert.... Live and acapella. They really know how to belt out a tune.
Here they are again. If you look closely, you can see that Henry can really put on a show. For those of you who see the 'shy, quiet Henry'.... think again, folks. This is the real Henry!!
Mr. Safety Man. No...we did not really let him use the brad nailer. But, he got great practice learning to use a measuring tape.
Charles did a really great job lining up all the wood. Our type A son lined them up perfectly.
Here are the three of them posing for the camera. I'm surprised Andrew tolerates them so well. They are a little wild and noisy...most of the time...well, actually all of the time except for when they're sleeping.

We don't have much news. We did finish the flooring project tonight. Now, we want to start on the stairs. The carpet in the rooms we put hardwood, and on the stairs, landing, and our bedroom are all original and in questionable state. We have enough wood left over to do our stair landing, and apparently, per Uncle Gerad, the stairs are easy. I've refrained from ripping the carpet of the stairs all day. It is Easter tomorrow and Henry is terribly disappointed that we didn't decorate. We went to an activity at the Art Center today. It was making Korean wind chimes. It has been cold so we went a little early so the boys could run in the skyways downtown. They did great until we got over to the Art Center and Charles had a huge bloody nose. They did make wind chimes. Charles screamed when it was time to go and got another nose bleed. Poor boy looked like he'd been in a fight. We ran into some friends whose son is the same age as Henry. Zach and Henry came home about a month apart.

We're planning a quiet family day tomorrow after church. Henry wants to have an Easter Egg hunt which we will do.

***Baby James found out that the cancer has NOT spread to his lungs. He will have a liver biopsy this week. They are scheduled for Tuesday, but are hoping to be added onto Monday's surgery list. They are concerned because the chemo used to treat the liver cancer can be potentially toxic to his kidneys. James only has a portion of one kidney since the rest were removed due to the cancer. You can read their update on his site listed in my links. Please remember them in your prayers this weekend. This little guy has been through more than most people go through in a whole lifetime...and he just turned one!!

Wishing you all a wonderful Easter!!!

Please pray for Baby James!!

We've just received sad news that Baby James cancer has metastasized. You can read his blog on the link I have on our page. Please pray for him and his family. We are all completely shocked by this turn of events. They are needing our prayers and support more than ever right now. This little guy is amazing. It is awful to see him fighting so hard for something so many of us take for granted...life. Please..please remember him and his family in your prayers.

Food? You want me to EAT this stuff?

This is one of the expressions I get when it's time to eat.
This is the other one. Of course, there are times when he doesn't complain too much, but he is fairly uninterested in food right now. The best so far has been applesauce mixed with rice cereal. It was a food fest for him...he ate between 10-15 bites. Oh well. My guess is that he won't go to kindergarten drinking only formula from a bottle.
Henry with his chopsticks. He's doing well with them.
Charles, too, is liking to use his chopsticks.
Charles and Andrew.
Not much new here. We tore out the carpet in our dining room and are putting in hardwood. My home is in complete chaos right now. We had to move all the furniture and now, literally, all the rooms in my home are a disaster. I hope no one is planning to visit in the next week or so. You may not be able to walk in here. Since we've lived in this house, we've used only cell phones and had no land line. Today, through a special by Charter Communications, we again have a landline with unlimited local and long-distance calls. Tonight, Henry had to try out the phone and call Gramma and Grampa. When they got on the phone he kept asking what this phone was called.

It occured to me that our children had no memory of using a telephone with a cord. He couldn't talk very long since, for Henry, you have to be in constant motion when talking on the telephone. It's best to try to walk on all the furniture, jump from the chair to the stool, and hopefully stand on the cupboard while talking. Not much other news, a friend is having surgery tomorrow to remove a tumor from her thyroid gland. We are praying it will be benign.